I feel like as a missionary I want to paint a picture of all the beautiful things the lord is doing. I don’t really want to share about the hard stuff, the messy stuff, you know… the things that you try to shove in the closet and pretend that it does not exist. Well the truth is that I struggle, a lot, all the time, every day. I’m a real person dealing with real life issues, so here is what I have been struggling with lately. * If you are looking for a happy, go lucky blog… this is not it.
There have been so many times in my life where people have said things that sound really nice but they never follow through with the actions behind these. This has left me really struggling to trust people on a deeper level. I mean I want to trust people, I want to think the best in the fact that I will care for them and in the same way they will care for me. Some times I am even to quick to trust which has bit me in the butt as well. Let me explain a little, when it comes to guys trust simply just does not come easily. My dad would say that he loved me then turn around and yell and scream at me over things that were out of my hands, I was his go to person because he knew I would listen to him. I care very deeply for my father and all I ever wanted was his approval. I could never understand why he would say he loved me so much then turned around and hurt the people he cared about, without ever giving it a second thought. After my parents got divorced there was a close family to me where the man told me he would step in and represent a father figure in my life. Soon after that conversation he cheated on his wife and left. Again I was left with the questions of why and how. Then there have been the men in my life that claim to care for me, they want to be invested in my life, but when the going gets tough or a stone is thrown in the calm lake they leave. Some days it has left me wondering if I make it that easy to leave? Or am I just to gullible to trust the words that I want to hear?
Please hear my heart in this, I am not asking for your pity. You can keep that. I don’t need it. I really am just expressing a struggle that I am going through, something that I am wrestling the Lord in because I simply do not understand. I get that we are all human and we all make mistakes, trust me I have plenty of them to show for. I am just seeking to understand how to move past this, how to not let this effect my every day life. I am seeking to make sure this does not effect me in such a negative way that I become a crazy cat lazy ( meow). So where does this lead us? Whats the answer? I have no idea!
I just want you all to understand that its not all sunshine and roses over here. Just because I do missions does not mean I am exempt from these struggles. Sometimes when I talk to people about my job they get all glittery eyed like they think its so clean and perfect. Lets clear the air.. its not haha. I know that the Lord has good things to come with this. I know that I have a desire to trust in a graceful way, where I will love people through the rough times. I just so desperately want to be done with this season. I just want the answer, even though I know that this is a process to walk through.
So thats where I am at. I am tired of empty words and false promises. I know that the only thing that I can control in this situation is the things that I say and do. I want to live my life in the way that I want to be treated, I want to live a life full of truthful words and actions to back that up. I don’t know if this will bring me all I am searching for but I know you have to start somewhere.
If you were wondering how you can be praying for me… well, this is it. Please pray that the Lord shows me how to better trust and when I get hurt how to better love. That He would help me look more like Him and love more like Jesus.
*Thank you google for helping a sister out with these great images.
